The Hustle for Worthiness by Darlena Drake Fields
There's is a lot riding on this subject of OUR WORTH folks!
AND here's why...
Worthiness is that "ONE THING" for everyone on the planet.
Worthiness is THE KEY to the most important thing in all of our lives.
Worthiness is the gauge for how we measure the GREATEST HUMAN NEED of all time.
Well, what is it for Heaven's sake?!? (drum roll please)
It's Loooooove and BeeeeLoooonginginging!!!!!!!!!!!
Or just Love and Belonging, if you're not into over-dramatization.
I ended my last blog, Shame Loves Social Media, with these following happy facts about about those 2 little words, in hope's you'd come back looking for more:
Love and belonging are essential to the human experience.
It's an inextricable psychological need for all men, women and children.
When we don't get this need met, we don't think, feel or behave like we were born to.
Here is the key to LOVE and BELONGING -- for believing that WE ARE ENOUGH:
"If we want to truly experience love and belonging, we MUST start
by believing that we are WORTHY!"
And according to what Brene' is claiming here, worthiness seems to also be the ANTIDOTE FOR SHAME! Yay! This is good news!
So, how the heck do we "start believing" we are worthy of love and belonging!?!
Well, I've formulated some fail-proof plans that I can't wait to share with you! Just stay with me until the end. You will be enlightend!
Not only will find out how to get all the worthiness, love and belonging you've ever dreamed, but you'll also learn how to build shame resistance. How's that for grabbers?
To kick things off, let's talk about when, how and what we start learning to get our inextricable needs met. It actually begins the moment we pop out of our momma's tummy, how to get our basic core needs met.
These fundamental physical needs, according to early American psychologist, Abraham Maslow, are air, water, food, shelter, and sleep.
We accomplish this right outta the gate by baby screaming, of course!
FYI...you can always teach your baby sign language to give them a more pleasant mode of communication. We loved it. Our oldest new how to sign so well, that folks thought she was a little deaf girl.
Once we get those down, we move on to more sophisticated desires -- our emotional needs. Ya know, the higher intelligence stuff that separates us from the animals.
We form this greater learning from "classical conditioning". This is when we begin to understand some really powerful communication tools as toddlers, like:
when we cry = we get picked up
when we throw a tantrum = we get what we want
when we pout = we get our way
when we scream really loud, without stopping to breathe = we scare the waddin' out of our parents, then get them to do pretty much whatever the heck we want them to do
when we practice these tools long enough = we have our parents wrapped around our little fingers, so that they jump at the first sighting of dissatisfaction
As we get older, our needs get more complex, like the need to feel loved, wanted, appreciated or to fit in.
At this point, an amazing phenomenon takes place!
Children get passed down to them these unspoken PREREQUISITES for worthiness by their families. Then...
As they age and transition outside the impressions of our homes and kid TV, their scope of influence increases to include teachers, pastors, coaches.
By their pre-teens they are being inundated with the influences of social media and cyber space at laser light speed.
By young adulthood their influence has increased to include ex-girl/boyfriends, bosses, professors, Greek clubs, interest groups, political parties and the like.
With each introduction they get handed a new, pre-packaged set of unwritten requirements for determining their value.
Without one lesson, lecture, written instructions or formal learning at all, they quickly learn from their Homes, Hollywood and the White House what deems a human being as WORTHY of love and belonging. It works like magic!
But at the same time, it also feels like an invisible baton is being handed off in this big relay race of life from one generation to the next.
As the young reach for the baton from the old they sense their despair and without one word exchanged they pick up these thoughts, "Hurry! Please take this from me. I couldn't make it. But I pray you can."
Get the picture?
Our grandparents taught our parents. We learned from them.
Then, we get to teach our kids...The. Most. Epic. Valuable. Sacred. Lesson. Since the creation of mankind -- "What Makes You Worthy!!!" (Imagine a deep voice chanting this with epic background music for theatrics.)
It just happens! Without anyone ever doing anything intentional! Well, accept for maybe Ninja Warriors and peeps like that.
So, there ya go!
Now for my punchline...
If you feel like you got a raw deal in life -- your parents, teachers or significant others botched up their jobs of training/conditioning you to feel like a loved, valuable, worthwhile contribution to the human race...You're in luck!
I've formulated some premier replacement plans for you and listed them.
All you have to do is pick which plan fits your life best.
This is going to be great!
Before you start reading through the plans, I want to help create a little atmosphere for you. So, if you'll indulge me here and go with the flow, I'd like you to:
Drift back to 1975 and imagine yourself on the dance floor with disco lights flashing.
You're wearing the hottest pair of bell-bottoms with platform shoes and big-collard satin shirt that the mid-70's ever saw.
You hear the DJ put on, "The Hustle"
Your body spontaneously shoots your right pointer finger in the air and your left hip pops out.
Then you just groove to the music for the next couple of minutes.
Okay, now read on!
Do The Hustle!!! Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da.......
PLANS FOR BECOMING WORTHY AND EARNING LOVE & BELONGING
PLAN A - You could choose to just wiggle your nose and say "Hocus Pocus". Or get yourself a shrink to hypnotize you into believing you're worthy. Or hire a psychic to peer into their crystal ball and see if there's any hopes of love in your future. Or buy a t-shirt with WORTHY printed on it to advertise your value. Or maybe have business cards printed with your importance listed out.
Well, those things may sound silly to most, but some folks are willing to try anything when their desperate. If your the educated and intelligent sort, the next plan will be perfect for helping you you feel VALUABLE TO SOCIETY...
PLAN B - You make it big in business. Or start earning 6 figures. Or have the perfect spouse and children. Or drive a nice, high-dollar car. Maybe live in a big ole' house in an exclusive neighborhood and become the C.O.B. of your H.O.A. Or P.T.O. President could be just as impressive. Or perhaps you get your name in lights. Or, the gods are feeling generous...Everybody wants to be Y.O.U.!!!
Well, that's all a big crock of _______! Don't forget, "YOU"RE A LOSER!" Remember, you have social media reminding you every waking minute of every day, that those pipe dreams will NEVER be possible for you. You will NEVER amount to anything. You came from the wrong family on the wrong side of the tracks, sweetie-pie!
So instead, try...
PLAN C - You go get yourself some meds to help you with your anxiety, fear and despair. Or if you can't get the doctor to cooperate, just numb out every night in front of the TV. Or become a closet alcohol. Or workout until you can't stand up, so you can lose 50 lbs and look like a rock star. Or watch porn and eventually get yourself a virtual boyfriend/girlfriend to tell you how great you are...there's nothing more fulfilling than virtual connection and intimacy, right?
Or you could just do what I did for years...rage at your kids when no one is around to get out all your pissed-off feelings of worthlessness! This worked wonders for my value. And caused my husband to feel like he couldn't get home fast enough from work to be with me each night.
Better yet, go for...
PLAN D - Honey, you can get yourself some Botox, Lipo, Hair Color, Extensions, Hair Regrowth Serum, Fake Tan, Fake Nails (pick and choose depending on your gender, of course) and some hot,trendy clothes. I could go on and on about the things money can buy to make you feel goo-hood about yo'self. And when it's all over, you're gonna look like J-Lo or maybe even, Captain America...pick your gender preference! Then you get to join the "IN CLUB!" with a money-back gua-rone-tee! Mmm-Mmm in Z-formation!
But if you pick this plan, don't tell a sole. You want everyone to think it's all you, Baby!
Wait a second! I know what you're thinking right about now. We're Christians!?! We're too righteous and holy to be like any of "those people". We don't spend the Lord's money on our bodies and all that worldly stuff to earn love and affection. No, no, no! You gotta wiggle your pointer finger to get the full affect here.
WE ARE FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. God made us special and He loves each of His children ALL the same no matter the size or color. Awe! I feel like I'm in a Veggie Tales video.
So, if you really want God's will for your life and for your cup to runneth over with value and worth, here are the rules for you:
I'm gonna just skip right to...
PLAN F - You could pray over and over, like a broken record, "Lord, bless me, i.e. make people love me and riches come to me." Or you could pick a scripture that really blesses your heart, then quote it like a mantra until your belief lines up with it. Or you do enough good deeds, until one day God reaches down and gives you a big High-5 and says, "Okay, you've done enough for me, so now you're worthy?"
Or the simplest option in PLAN F is to buy into the greasy grace message that teaches you how to justify your sin. Then you don't have to change your life at all! You just make sure you warm a seat in church on Sunday mornings, repent for your sins while you're in the church house and you are...Good. To. Go. Then, you get to live however the heck you want to and be loved unconditional, too...just like you did when you were a toddler! Cha-ching! Now that is a package deal that's hard to pass up, fellow Believers!
Okay. Stop the music! Quit dancing. Breathe. I realize that was a lot to take in.
Overwelming, maybe? Painful, even? But mostly sadly, ridiculous.
As overwelming, painful or ridiculous as all those plans sounded, this is what many of us are taught growing up....and this is what many of us believe will acheive love and belonging.
The truth is, reality is just hard to swallow sometimes -- like a big, fat horse-pill size vitamin that gets stuck in your throat -- even when we chase it down with humor. Believe me, I know.
But, these are the limited beliefs from which most of Western culture lives from -- in a CULTURE OF NOT ENOUGH.
When we zoom in on our lives, and take an honest look at how we are living, it can look quite ridiculous.
After all, the vast majority are not born naturally gifted at dancing. Lots of folks look clumsy, awkward or ain't got no rhythm at all, like in the movie, "White Men Can't Dance." HA!
It's why most of us in the Western World wake up every morning, dress up real good, dance our asses off all day, numb out at night, only to have our sleep tormented with bad dreams about NEVER BEING GOOD ENOUGH.
Then we get up the next day and do it all over again. We live with the dang Hustle song on REPEAT!
This, my friends, is the HUSTLE FOR WORTHINESS...and we've come by it honestly.
NEWSFLASH!!! No one is forcing us to do The Hustle to be who we think we're supposed to be or cover up the parts of our lives we are ashamed of.
Would somebody please turn the record player off!!! The needle screeching across the record would be a welcome sound right about now!
But, no one's going to stop the music for us.
Nobody else is playing our jam.
We're the DJ's and the Hustler's in our own stories!
If we're brave enough to admit it, we've been working the dance floor in more ways and for more years than you care to admit or count.
Some of us have been bustin' moves for so long, that we're ready to call it quits.
The shame of never being enough has worn us down to a place of hopelessness.
If we don't choose to take that song off repeat, we'll spend the rest of our lives trying to distance ourselves from the parts of us that don't fit with who we think we're supposed to be, remain standing outside of our stories and keep hustling for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Those 4 P's again. UGH!!!
Then we will be the ones despairingly passing our batons to the next generation, in hopes that they can somehow, finally bring the crazy cycle to an end. And spend the end of our days sitting in the rocker of regrets, rehearsing what we woulda, coulda or shoulda done different. How depressing!
I know you might be wondering right now if you could ever stop hustling. I get it. It's what protects you from anyone ever finding out who you really are. It's your shame RESISTANCE.
Well, that's a lie too. It's just a facade.
It will never be possible for you to reach a place of shame RESISTANCE until we reach the Pearly Gates. Until then, we live in a fallen world, full of hurting people that are going to hurt us.
And until we learn to love ourselves, we are going to perpetuate a lifestyle of hiding in shame.
But...I have some REAL truth for you that you can take to the bank!
All those performance-based plans I listed up there are B.S.! They're all cloaked in deception. Did I ever have you going even for a second, by the way?
Anyway...Here's the Honest Truth...
There are no PREREQUISITES for worthiness.
There are fail-proof no plans for earning love.
There are no money-back guarantees for finding belonging, then never experiencing rejection again.
OH, BUT BECAUSE OF JESUS...
It is undeniably possible to achieve shame RESILIENCE -- a place where shame no longer defines you.
Is it going to require some brave choices? Will you have to take risks? Will it make you uncomfortable. Yes, yes and yes!
To shut down your internal disco, it will most certainly require some tough choices that will demand some bold moves and definitely make you squirm a little.
It's a little somethin' my buddy Joshua calls COURAGE.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
When we choose to be courageous, let go of what others think and stop comparing ourselves with others, we gain the power to believe that we are WORHTY of love and belonging.
We can't keep putting it off 'til we loose enough weight, make enough money, get enough initials behind our name or become a virtual star.
We must believe and decide we are worthy NOW. Not IF. Not someday WHEN. But, RIGHT NOW. As IS. Just BECAUSE.
Then we can truly begin to experience love and belonging -- that ONE THING we've hustled for our whole lives.
Courage just naturally flows into our lives when we come to terms with the truth that we are loved. With all of our imperfections. Without conditions. By a Heavenly Father. By the Savior of the World!
Courage empowers you to...
Become vulnerable enough to get real.
Invite Jesus to wade through the swampland of your soul.
Let Him find all the lies hiding in there that sound like, "You are unloveable."
Choose to exchange those lies with truths that sound like, "You are worthy of love."
Find out that who you really are has been lying underneath those lies all along.
Be freed to find your purpose and passion.
Rewrite the ending to your story.
You CAN stop hustling through life. You CAN learn to love and be loved. You CAN discover who your truly are. You CAN live courageous. You CAN live the life you were born for.
I know how to help make this happen for you. Because I have braved this journey myself. I have chosen to stand outside my own story and rewrite the ending. I have chosen courageous living. And I have also passionately chosen given my life to empowering others to do the same.
Contact me today at www.BeCourageousCoaching.com. I'm waiting for your YES!