STOP TRYING TO STRAIGHTEN UP YOUR SPOUSE. STOP IT! Changing your spouse is not the answer. If you think that the problem is your spouse then that is the problem.
If you are blaming your spouse for how you feel (you make me mad or you don't care about me) then your conversations most likely feel like never ending arguments. He pushes your buttons by saying something insensitive you react to the comment and now his button is pushed. It goes around and around until some one gives up or crosses the line.
Conflict is the result of a disagreement between TWO people. Unresolved conflict is the product of two people refusing to compromise. Relationship disconnection is acting like your spouse is your roommate and blaming your spouse for it.
What is your role in the dysfunction? It's not about what are they doing? What are you doing?
If you think that your relationship is going to heal by blaming your spouse then you are sadly mistaken. Relationships heal when one person says I am not going to live hurt. Most people are waiting for their spouse to do the work that they need to do for themselves.
Put your focus on the hurt that you are carrying in your heart. Listen to your thinking and pay attention to your feelings. Judgmental thoughts are a shield that you use to keep your spouse from hurting you.
Do you think?
She's so disrespectful...
He doesn't get me...
He doesn't even try...
She never wants to have sex...
I can't believe she said that, she doesn't care about me...
He always brings up the past...
We rehearse millions of little accusations in our minds against our spouses. These partial truths are embedded in our hearts. We launch them like flaming arrows of criticism to protect ourselves whenever our spouse pushes our buttons.
How to stop the pain?
Healing starts when we take responsibility for our pain. Projecting the hurt at our spouse will only continue the crazy cycle.
Get off the merry-go-round. Let go of the powerless feelings. Face yourself in the mirror. Wade through the swamp land of your soul. Get Real with yourself and God. Take time to invest in your own healing.
Do the work. Release your spouse from the responsibility of mending the hurt in your soul. Be vulnerable and share your decision with your spouse. sit down with them and pour out your heart. Take full responsibility for the hurt in your heart.
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